I do a lot of work in family based treatment (also known as FBT or Maudsley), teaching parents to understand eating disorders in general, and Anorexia Nervosa in particular, so that they can stand up to these dreadful and potentially deadly illnesses. And not surprisingly, I am struck by parents’ struggles as they begin to grapple with what defeating anorexia really means. So I want to dedicate this post to those parents taking on the fight in the hope that it makes your understanding, and perhaps your task, just a little easier. Consider it a ‘FAQs’ response to those parts of the anorexia that stymie parents most.
First up is the frequently asked: Will my daughter/son hate me if I keep pushing them to eat? The answer lies in the model. Its so important that as parents, you can remember back to a time when your beautiful son/daughter would never have lied to you, yelled at you, or thrown a plate of food across a room. I have had patients put their hands through glass windows, so desperate are they to show their parents how terrifying eating feels to them. But that’s the thing: The person throwing plates, or smashing windows is not your daughter. The person yelling expletives, or secretly ordering laxatives online is not your son. This is the illness they are living with, and without your help, they simply cannot beat it.
And importantly the distress you witness is not a wilful refusal to eat. If you can see your child’s behaviour as a way of conveying how utterly terrifying meal times are, you will be better able to empathise with them; to show them you get that eating feels as terrifying to them as the thought of death to most of us. But that if eating means saving their lives, it’s something you can’t compromise on.
It’s so normal for parents to find the initial stages of re-feeding their children incredibly stressful. It brings up all sorts of conflicting emotions: your child is sick, and all you want to do is make them better. Unfortunately in the case of anorexia, if all is going smoothly at home in the first few weeks of treatment, it’s likely the anorexia is just in a comfortable groove, and your son or daughter is unlikely to recover. What that means in practical terms, is that in the short term, it’s likely your child will be more distressed if you are really taking the anorexia on. Your role as parents is to believe that food is medicine, and the distress is the anorexia’s way of showing you that you are, in fact on track. I cant say it better than the video below, made by a parent, and and based on Carrie Arnold's original blog, which can be found here. In writing this blog, I am hoping her learning can inform your path to your son/daughter’s recovery, and help you stay steadfast: Let the anorexia hate you, but hold on to the belief that you will get your loving child back.
First up is the frequently asked: Will my daughter/son hate me if I keep pushing them to eat? The answer lies in the model. Its so important that as parents, you can remember back to a time when your beautiful son/daughter would never have lied to you, yelled at you, or thrown a plate of food across a room. I have had patients put their hands through glass windows, so desperate are they to show their parents how terrifying eating feels to them. But that’s the thing: The person throwing plates, or smashing windows is not your daughter. The person yelling expletives, or secretly ordering laxatives online is not your son. This is the illness they are living with, and without your help, they simply cannot beat it.
And importantly the distress you witness is not a wilful refusal to eat. If you can see your child’s behaviour as a way of conveying how utterly terrifying meal times are, you will be better able to empathise with them; to show them you get that eating feels as terrifying to them as the thought of death to most of us. But that if eating means saving their lives, it’s something you can’t compromise on.
It’s so normal for parents to find the initial stages of re-feeding their children incredibly stressful. It brings up all sorts of conflicting emotions: your child is sick, and all you want to do is make them better. Unfortunately in the case of anorexia, if all is going smoothly at home in the first few weeks of treatment, it’s likely the anorexia is just in a comfortable groove, and your son or daughter is unlikely to recover. What that means in practical terms, is that in the short term, it’s likely your child will be more distressed if you are really taking the anorexia on. Your role as parents is to believe that food is medicine, and the distress is the anorexia’s way of showing you that you are, in fact on track. I cant say it better than the video below, made by a parent, and and based on Carrie Arnold's original blog, which can be found here. In writing this blog, I am hoping her learning can inform your path to your son/daughter’s recovery, and help you stay steadfast: Let the anorexia hate you, but hold on to the belief that you will get your loving child back.
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